This paper, which Reagan wrote for school, warms my heart, but also makes me cringe. How she views me, everything she writes about me, includes "mom works a lot". I hate that. Also? the incident about my voice box being frozen and the boys running away? That's a compilation of three separate incidents. In 2006, at Chutes and Ladders park, both boys were running away from me in opposite directions. In 2012, I had a cold and lost my voice when I was spending the night in an airport with the boys, and they kept wandering off and I couldn't yell for them. In 2017, my vocal cords were paralyzed, and I wasn't speaking to ANYONE. So... ok. That's what that is. And the being sick part... I was trapped in my room for a week twice, once for being contagious with C-diff, and once for radiation. Once in January, and once in March. And yes, I threw away the bathroom rugs afterwards. But not because they were MOLDY! They were contaminated! With c-diff and radiation! What her teacher must think...that we had to tear out the carpets because Mom was living in filth, not leaving the bedroom and her mini kitchen. UGH. And I also hate that Reagan thinks I'm "still a little sick". I don't want the fact that I have this residual cancer to affect her at all. I'm not SICK. I am FINE. I just have to be monitored periodically, which should be a minor irritation for ME, but nothing to HER.
As a parent, you always hope you are remembered fondly. That they remember all the love you TRY to show them, through every meal, every clean shirt, every holiday celebrated. Do they understand how, as imperfect as I am, that I'm TRYING very hard to be a good mom? And that I love each of them so intensely, even if they can't see it? I hope so.
Adult Reagan, if you are reading this someday, know how much I love you, even if I have moldy carpets and work too much!!!
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